Fri, Oct. 5th, 2012, 01:25 pm
Since no one really reads my posts I am not going to be to terribly worried about spoiler alerts. That there was all the warning any reader needs. So there were some good things about 8:01 "We Need To Talk About Kevin". There is Purga!Dean, Benny, Baby's back, Quips, Bro hugs, and Kevin Tran is the best AP kid evar.
* Purga!Dean: Aside from being so very, very hawt, Dean seems to have recharged his batteries after fighting for his life for a year in Purgatory; hence Purga!Dean. No more Season 7 whiny Dean talking about how he's done, he's so tired, etc. Dean is a BAMF again and I welcome it.
* Benny: I can't explain why exactly but there is a real chemistry between Jensen and Ty. Its only a couple of scenes and I know Benny's going to be another Ruby, perhaps Gordon Walker, but I can't help feeling like Dean has more in common with Benny than Sam at the moment. Did you know the ship already has a name? "Denny". Gah, my fandom folks...
* Baby's back: It is so nice to have the Impala back where she belongs, with her boys! She was a sight for sore eyes.
* Quips: "I guess standing too close to exploding Dick sends your ass straight to Purgatory." "The rules are simple, Sam. You don't take a joint from a guy named Don and there's no dogs in the car!" "...But of course we ignore that because of our deep and abiding love for each other." I could go on. It's great to have Dean's snark back.
* Bro hugs: Never fails to get me right in the heart. To quote the Internet jargon- I get so much feels when the boys hug it out. Dean hugging Benny seems like a clear indicator that the vampire means a lot to this season- it's more than Castiel ever got after all.
* Kevin...best AP kid evar: So Kevin manages to survive ducking hell on his own without a lifetime of Winchester training and does it for a year? Crowley is always getting one over tricking the Winchesters but Kevin tricks the slimey limey not once but twice? Kevin rocks! Saw Channing's death coming from a mile away. Caught where someone did a quick art post with the Winchesters handing over a flannel shirt to make Kevin an honorary Winchester. It's like "Girlfriend killed by demons?" Check. "On the run from supernatural baddies?" Check. Gamked demons on your own?" Check. "Welcome to the Winchester family!" Plus he got Dean's "summbitch" approval.
There were some bad things about this episode too. Like, Sam's Checked Out, Dean the Rottweiler, Jared Padalecki's Checked Out, Holy Water Fiasco, It's A Dog's Life, Dean = Worf? and Supernatural bitch #57667998
* Sam on more than one occasion since Season One has said that he had zero interest in seeking a normal life again. He understood the importance of hunting and that no matter what monsters would find him so settling down for a white picket fence life is an illusion. So what does he do? He gets a "normal" life and actively ignores hunting when Dean vanishes. What? Third time is the charm? He just up & decides he could give two shits about saving Kevin or investigating what happened to Dean & Cas. Since people die all the time its okay to let a few more bite it since he's not hunting any longer. WTF?
Now I have read where some maintain that Sammy tends to go batshit insane when he loses Dean and there is ample evidence of that in past episodes. So this wandering apathy that led to the seething bitch vet girlfriend may be Sam being nutty. I hope that proves to be the case.
* Dean the Rottweiller: So Dean is fresh from Purgatory (aka Hunger Games), and is a little intense and aggressive as a result. Still, the way he lays into Sam verbally is just rough. Sam's feeble attempts to defend himself make it look even worse. It's just...damn, he was hitting Sam for not looking for him before they even finished hugging hello.
* So I know that Jared has always been deeply devoted to family. I recognize that having a newborn son to fret over long distance and the long back & forth flights between Vancouver and Austin can be exhausting. Even so, it seems like my favorite Moose is sleepwalking through the whole episode. His acting is wooden. There was more spark between Jensen and Ty than there was with J2. It's damn disappointing. Jensen always brings his A-Game on the set and its making J-Pad look terrible by comparison.
* Holy Water Fiasco: So in Season One YED aka Azazel, chugs holy water. When explanation is given its because he is on a "higher paygrade" than your average demon. Meg uses similar excuses to explain how she entered holy ground to gank Pastor Jim. Crowley shows up and rips up a devil's trap. He's King of Hell after all. So, why exactly did holy water affect him when Kevin pulled his elementary school prank? Azazel ignored holy water but Crowley can't? So how does that work again?
* It's A Dog's Life: Seeing Sam freaking out over a dog he hit? Weird. So the Sam who spent 180 years suffering in hell, chugged an innocent nurse, started the apocalypse by freeing Lucifer, killed untold number of creatures, including his niece last season, is going to freak out over hitting a puppy? Really? So, he can hang up the hunter's cap because, "Hey, people die all the time right? I hit a dog? Oh noes!" Give me a break.
* Dean = Worf: So whenever writers on Star Trek: Next Generation wanted to show how badass the villain was they would have have the baddie kick Worf's ass. Looks like Supernatural's writers took a page from that playbook. Here we have Dean, newly returned from a year surviving purgatory where we are told there are "...31 flavors of bottom sucking nasties... Sometimes it was like 360 degree combat." So Dean has been kicking monster ass (often stronger-than-human ass), and the first fight he gets into he is getting the shit choked out of him by a demon. H-uh? Why wasn't Dean showing off his purgatory ninja/Jackie Chan moves? Instead, the writers decided Dean is Worf.
* Spn bitch #57667998
step up: Doc Amelia. Spoilers say she has issues. They are not wrong. Wow. So, in true Supernatural fashion, the love interest (since she isn't a monster), is a bitch. The only real glimpse we get of her is her guilt tripping an unsuitable caretaker (Sam) into looking after a poor defenseless dog. It's a head scratcher. As first impressions go, this isn't a good one. Would it be so bad to have an engaging, strong woman who doesn't get pinned to a ceiling and burnt crispy, mindwiped or blown to bits? I know the show is about the boys but damn.
All bitched out now. I feel better.
I had my cherry popped yesterday. My dental cherry.
In the long, long, long years that I have wandered this cursed Earth I have never in my life been to visit a dentist until recently. Immediately you must put away the thought triggered by your likely first reaction. No, I do not look like an entrant in the "Big Book of British Smiles". ::Shudder:: Actually all my teeth came in nice and straight with plenty of room for my wisdom teeth as well. My smile has been noted more than once as one of my few redeeming features.
That was until two weeks ago when I got a mother of a toothache. I had never really had to deal with that kind of thing before so I went to the person I always go to for medical advice. No, not a doctor silly, my BFF, Milkshake. He said that the dentist won't do anything until I take an antibiotic and get the infection under control. So he gave me a Z-Pack and after a week I sought out my first dentist.
As I have never had occasion to visit a dentist I have no dental insurance. When one is without insurance here in the Land of the Free & In Debt, being without insurance makes one socially a little more cuddly than a leper to medical professionals. Eventually I found one who would deign to take my money and I went in for an appointment. On hundred and seventy dollars poorer later, I was told I have three cavities total but only the back left wisdom teeth (upper & lower) were infected. I even got the cutest x-ray of my mouth! I may frame it.
Fun fact: In Kentucky, if the dentist doesn't actually work on your mouth, he cannot prescribe you pain medication. Damn it all.
Back now to the adventure. Even though the dental group I went to see advertise on their website that they practice oral surgery they referred me to someone else. I think it must have been my bad breath that put them off. The brigand, I mean dental surgeon I was referred to, was going to charge me $1600 per tooth. USD, not pesos! This would be charged upfront, that was with Novocain, not putting me under and the price would go up if there were any complications. I very kindly and politely wished the good doctor to get fucked by a rabid alpaca with AIDS and went looking elsewhere. Milkshake came through again as he found me a dental group that was far more reasonable.
*** Warning, Commercial Ahead ***
Kentucky Oral Surgery & Dental Implants Center was a Chucksend. Not only were they very professional and kind without being overly sugary sweet (hate that); they were extremely reasonable. The $3200 teeth extraction ended up costing me $256. I shit thee little. Bonus as the surgeon he was yanking molars out of my head? Hawt as all fuck! It is hard to subtly try to get across the idea that I was open to more than his fingers in my mouth but I tried. A couple of prison tattoos and I would have proposed to the poor man who was probably confused as it was with all the eyebrow waggling and winking I was doing.
So, that was my adventure. My first impressions of the dental wellness industry were not 100% positive but it didn't all suck. Of course, that may be the painkillers talking. Meh.
I am reccing a rather dark AU J2 fic with BDSM, bestiality and other scary elements. It is called "Kennel Training"
by sylsdarkplace. If you want to know why I am recommending it and aren't afraid of spoilers then read on. I do quote the work for a couple of sentences. I hope this doesn't piss off the author too badly.
Okay, so what we have is an AU which starts with Jared older than Jensen (late twenties at least, Jen is 17). In this story, Jared has an unusual occupation- he kidnaps and trains young men into becoming a bitch for being bred by dogs all the while taping the process on a pay website. His personal goal is to break their will completely so that they stop having any real thought altogether. The hope is to make a complete submissive dog slut out of the boy. When the story begins, he has captured Jensen for just this purpose.
I have read bestiality stories by the dozens - it doesn't squick me in any way. I'll be honest and share this with you- I've done it. Back when I was a young teen and way too horny and curious; I let a dog mount me a couple of times. I even jacked off a few. So believe me when I say that bestiality is not discomfiting but it isn't really my cup of tea either. The funny thing is, while bestiality figures large in the fic it is not presented at all as sexy. It is rape-y and humiliating- Jensen never enjoys it. The only time he is fully committed to enjoying sex is when Jared is fucking him.
I read this story much like a horror novel rather than something sexual or romantic. Jared's goal is to so thoroughly break Jensen, to not only condition him to enjoy being knotted, but to go so far as to destroy his humanity. The author goes into excruciating detail on just how he goes about it. For a heart-stopping time he even succeeds. I can say without any embarrassment that scene put a lump in my throat and made me a little nauseous. The writer does such a deft job of presenting Broken!Jensen from his point of view it will make you scream in your head with its wrongness. It still gives me goosebumps thinking about it.
Make no mistake. Jensen is no weakling. He fights back whenever he can, he plots on manipulating Jared's craziness, he even manages to get back at Jared a little. It is satisfying and I cheered the little trooper on. He even saves Jared's life at one point. Unfortunately, Jensen never is able to get away entirely and by the end of the fic is so broken and conditioned he ends up living with Jared in some kind of domestic detente.
The author tries to paint Jared in a sympathetic light. Jared by no means had an easy life. He was raped and tortured by a sadistic cop who killed his parents. He witnessed his dog, the only friend lonely little Jared ever had in the world, brutally killed before his eyes by said cop when Jared tried to resist getting raped. His own uncle betrays him to this monster. It is no surprise that Jared is insane. He comes to see humans as evil and perverted and dogs as pure and wonderful (after all, his dog died trying to save him when his own blood couldn't/wouldn't).
He actually believes he is helping
Jensen by breaking the boy's will and turning him into an animal. I think that is what cinched this as a horror story for me was when I realized just how insane Jared was halfway through the story. There is this perfect line. "He could almost feel Jensen's hole wrapped around his hand - the tight heat sliding over his knuckles, up to his wrist. Fuck, he slumped back in the chair and tossed the paper towels into the trash. What was the matter with him? That was just wrong.
Get it? Not kidnapping. No, not conditioning a kid to be raped by dogs. No, what he thought was sick & wrong was having a sexual fantasy about fisting. The idea of a human having sex with a human was upsetting. That right there was when I started to really get a picture of how wrong in the head Jared is in this fic. The evidence really starts to build after that and culminates towards the end after Jensen turns the tables on him. It is in those latter scenes that we feel some sympathy for the monster. At least we are supposed to, I really couldn't. I hated Jared and still do.
So this tale is pretty twisted and psychologically frightening in places and therefore a really good read. The only dissatisfaction on my part is the ending. Twice Jensen frees himself and twice he has to give up that freedom. Eventually someone else frees him and he finds he cannot go back to his life before Jared. They end up together dependent on one another and (mostly) happy. Kind of.
I realize the writer had to wrap things up eventually but honestly I can't quite accept why Jensen was spoiled for anyone but Jared. He had two years to get his head straight before Jared is set free and he goes straight back to the monster. I may have to go back and re-read it as I just don't get it. I was really hoping for a stronger Jensen who heals from his ordeal. I guess there may be some things too traumatic to ever recover from. Which is why Jared is a monster and Jensen is a boy who loves him.
What a ride this fic is and I recommend it highly if you have the guts to try it- not for the easily disturbed!
LJ has informed me that my birthday is this Thursday. Thank goodness they let me know! Dodged that bullet! So I thought about it and said to myself, "Garsh, Self, what would you like for your birthday?" I rolled my eyes at myself and pointed out that I have an Amazon wishlist. Laughing, I said to myself, "Yeah but no one pays attention to that! Ms. M. insisted you update it for your B-Day and then ignored it. So I am ignoring it too. Now, what do you want instead?"
I pondered. It is the occasion of my birth... Something classy... Then it hit me like a thunderbolt! Of course..."Eureka!", I cried (even though I am not in the bath). I excitedly turn to myself and exclaim, "Self, we should get ourselves a naughty calendar, like in the email spam we just saw a moment ago before going on LJ!" We grinned at one another. I said to myself, "I rather am taken with Naked: Dylan Rosser 2013. "Mmmm... he is yummy." I say. Let's do it!
Happy Birthday to me indeed...
Tue, May. 22nd, 2012, 01:59 pm
Alrighty then, its been awhile since I have 'recced a fic and this time it is a doozy. It is an entire completed 'verse called Dawnbringer!verse
written by the madly talented Lexicale
. The premise is an epic about two werecats, Jared & Jensen, and their lives. Even more-so it explores a fascinating take on werecats and their culture.
The characterizations are unique. They don't fall into common J2 personality tropes either. While some CW people play a part there are numerous OC's who are amazing in their own right. The emotional content, especially the angst, is masterfully told in such a way that you would have to have a heart of stone not to at least sniffle on occasion. I really can't praise this series of fics enough and I'm not even finished reading them all yet!
Some warning: While this 'verse is in no way a pwp porn-fest, there is some sentient bestiality as well as mpreg. If this squicks you then you may want to avoid although you will be missing out on something beautiful if you do.
*** SPOILER ALERT***
Let's get down to the meat of this epic shall we? The 'verse is made up of two long story arcs with a number of time stamps to connect the two. The first story arc is titled "Let Not the Sun Go Down"
. The fic takes place almost entirely in the Blue Ridge mountains of North Carolina. Jensen is the alpha of a large pride of shape shifting cougars who call themselves "Ailure". Jared is a runaway teen ailure who was raised by humans. They are brought together over a great tragedy involving Jensen's get being stillborn and Jared finding that one cub wasn't dead after all. He raises it back to health and returns the child home thus encountering his own kind in their natural habitat for the first time. The clash of cultural mindsets between human & ailure that follows is the heart of the conflict of this story. Jared must fight a lifetime of suppositions and Jensen must heal over the loss of his cubs- together they complete one another.
Why this story is awesome: There are literally hundreds of J2 stories I have read including dozens and dozens of fic where one or both boys are shifters or beasts. What makes this story stand out is the underlying bedrock of world building that Lexicale has crafted here. Her descriptions of the North Carolina hills is evocative- you feel like you are really there. The history and mythology of the ailure comes about naturally without hokey writing techniques to spoon-feed information to the reader. As Jared is a stranger to this culture so are we and we discover this through his eyes. The author has put a lot of work and thought behind the "why's" and "wherefore's" of her world and it shows.
Jared's main concern comes down to the unique biology of the ailure's sexual identities. In ailure physiology, both male and female ailure come in two sexual "types". There is the "dominant", which is physically larger, aggressive and performs penetrative sex with the intent to fertilize his or her partner's eggs. The other identity is the "fertile". The fertile have a womb and give live birth to their young. They tend to be physically smaller than the dominants and less aggressive. They go into estrus twice a year and produce lactation to feed their young.
Note I said male and females fall into both sexual camps. There are females who perform penetrative sex (the insemination organ rests in a pouch behind their vaginal folds) as well as males who perform in much the expected way. Like the females, male fertiles go into heat, produce slick to ease penetration (anally in the male's case), and have a womb. The male fertile penis is largely a useless appendage that isn't particularly sexual for them.
Now I have read a number of fic where the human or non-human society has males capable of giving birth. While some are quite brilliant, such as "The Omega Academy"
, they all seem to make females redundant I think. In my head I keep asking, "If males can inseminate and gestate young then why are there females in this world at all?"
Lexicale answers this by giving women a place in her world. Ailure women can be daddys as well as mommys and I love her for that! I am a feminist at heart and like it when the girls aren't just shoved aside in slash.
This brings us now to the crux of Jared's issues in the fic- he is a male fertile raised by humans to think he is a male human. Jared grows up being somewhat physically weaker and less aggressive than the average human male his age. He doesn't feel sexually attracted to humans and grows up largely asexual. He is confused as he can't seem to quite meet the expectations of being a strapping young man growing up in Wyoming. Being a male homosexual human I can relate to Jared's sexual confusion intimately.
To make matters worse, he has two dominant siblings also raised by humans who have no problem coming across as male. This muddies the waters for Jared as he believes his fertile nature makes him somehow "weak" or a freak. Thus growing up Jared is fundamentally unhappy and yearning for something he can't imagine. Events come to a head when he enters his first estrus cycle at the age of seventeen and tries to mate with the only dominants he has ever know- one of his own brothers. Shocked and apalled, he runs away from home and lives alone for two years confused and miserable before we reach the "Now" of the fic.
Now comes my minor quibble with the Dawnbringer!verse. In this world, ailure have existed side by side with humanity all over the world since neolithic times or earlier. In all that time, man has gathered next to nothing in terms of ailure culture, beliefs or physiology. They are treated by modern governments like indigenous people- their hunting grounds basically reservations.
Knowing human history as I do with its rapacity for greed, violence and fear of anything considered "different"; this seems unlikely. Are we really to believe that werecats were able to keep something secret so basic as fertile vs. dominant biology? Especially since in ailure culture fertiles are revered so much? Jared is raised by a human biologist and has no access to ailure information. Really? It is a small thing and I know we need Jared to be an outsider to his heritage so the author can give us world information using her protagonist as a vehicle. It still seems odd that humans wouldn't have dissected some captured or deceased ailure at some point. Anyhoo, enough bitching.
The next highlight of her series are her characterizations:
- Jeffery [Dean Morgan], has a unique position within the pride as some sort of harem guard for the fertiles. He is stoic with a dry sense of humor and incredibly impressive.
- Her Jensen [Ackles] reminds me a little of Dean Winchester, in that he is self-sacrificing for his family/pride and gives them everything. Like many Jensen portrayals he is quiet and aloof but with a great sense of humor.
- Jared [Padalecki] is spastic and emotional. Not so much the candy-crazy Mexican jumping bean as he is often depicted but definitely a spazz. Since most of the story is told from his point of view we get to know him best.
- In later time stamps and in the second story arc we really get to know an OC that I really loved- Brutus. Jensen's cousin and the runt of his litter, the dominant is assigned to be Jared's bodyguard and his friendship and hero worship of Jensen and good-natured exasperation by Jared's antics warmed my heart.
- Misha [Collins] is Jensen's captain of the guard. He is fun-loving and somewhat the odd-ball which is pretty usual in a lot of fics. Unlike most, he has his mind on the here and now and is great at his job. His reactions to Jensen's crisis is heart wrenching.
- Alona [Tal], Aldis [Hodge], & Julie [McNiven] all make appearances though none make much of an emotional impact for me.
- Jared's brothers are great and we get a chapter devoted to seeing things form their point of view through the eyes of Brandon, an alpha if ever there was one. Its nifty to see how his personality is shaped by being ailure even if he can't recognize it due to his human upbringing. The confrontation between him and Jensen was a great piece of dialogue!
- The most heartbreaking character for me was Tristan. Tristan was Jensen's cub who survived after being found by Jared and nursed to health. There is a chapter devoted to Tristan's point of view and the baby cub's faith and love of his mother, Jared. It is so, so sad. I know I cried- alot and am tearing up writing this. Such love from that brave little cub. We read it knowing Jared is trying to leave Tristan behind and it's just hurts my spirit. Ugh!
All in all, it is just an amazing read and I have lost a great deal of sleep to it. The funny part, the real funny part? I want to make this a role-playing game. With White-Wolf's Changing Breed's book, it would be easy-peasey. I wouldn't do it without Lexicale's permission of course. Still, it says something about a 'verse that is so fantastic that you want to live it yourself.
I haven't finished reading the second story arc "Wheel in the Sky"
, which deals with Jared's very special ancestry in greater detail than in the previous story. So far, it is going into ailure politics and the different breeds such as jaguar, tiger, lion, etc. Two things I love so far are that ailure culture is not homogenous and each breed has their own myths and way of doing things. Second, the human forms co-relate to the humans of their surroundings. It's refreshing not to read a fic where all the weres are so whitebread.
Well I have rambled on enough. I just had to get this out as I am super thrilled by what I am reading. The amazing thing is that she is a prolific writer and Lexicale has whole other 'verses with nothing to do with the ailure! I can't wait to see what this talented writer pulls out of her hat next!
Originally posted by daddy_kink
at The fiasco continues
Originally posted by angelus2hot
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Originally posted by electricdruid
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ACTA in a Nutshell –
What is ACTA? ACTA is the Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement. A new intellectual property enforcement treaty being negotiated by the United States, the European Community, Switzerland, and Japan, with Australia, the Republic of Korea, New Zealand, Mexico, Jordan, Morocco, Singapore, the United Arab Emirates, and Canada recently announcing that they will join in as well.
Why should you care about ACTA? Initial reports indicate that the treaty will have a very broad scope and will involve new tools targeting “Internet distribution and information technology.”
What is the goal of ACTA? Reportedly the goal is to create new legal standards of intellectual property enforcement, as well as increased international cooperation, an example of which would be an increase in information sharing between signatory countries’ law enforcement agencies.
Essential ACTA Resources -
- Read more about ACTA here: ACTA Fact Sheet
- Read the authentic version of the ACTA text as of 15 April 2011, as finalized by participating countries here: ACTA Finalized Text
- Follow the history of the treaty’s formation here: ACTA history
- Read letters from U.S. Senator Ron Wyden wherein he challenges the constitutionality of ACTA: Letter 1 | Letter 2 | Read the Administration’s Response to Wyden’s First Letter here: Response
- Watch a short informative video on ACTA: ACTA Video
- Watch a lulzy video on ACTA: Lulzy Video
Say NO to ACTA. It is essential to spread awareness and get the word out on ACTA.Via Tumblr
"If horse racing is the sport of kings, then drag racing must be the sport of queens." ~ Bert R. Sugar
Not much ever happens here in River City. The town has and continues to hover on the edge between being a modern city and some quaint one horse town. Once a year though we all go nuts as the Kentucky Derby opens- our own little Mardi Gras- as the world's eye turns to us if however briefly. For two weeks leading up to the event Louisville has parades, hot air balloon races, one of the largest fireworks displays in the U.S. and generally parties. Today is the Running of the Oaks, kind of a prelude to the Derby itself. Public schools are out and everyone is making for the track (a true Louisvillian goes to Oaks, not the Derby, that's for tourists).
What I love about the whole affair is what happens tonight after the races let out. The city is flooded with a ton of horny guys from all over looking to party and hook-up. If I had a May-day sacred day, this would be it. I will have a minimum of five to as many as a dozen cocks down my throat tonight. I plan on fucking at least three different guys tonight. It will be a sexual frenzy as it always is at this time. I have partaken in this ritual since I was 18 and I have never failed to get seriously drunk and spent. It will be a bacchanalia of epic proportions. The best part is they will all be faceless, nameless men. It won't be about getting to know the man behind the cock. Each one will be my god and I will worship him.
"Let my lusts be my ruin, then, since all else is a fake and a mockery." ~ Hart Crane
When I was seven years old I fell in love. He had black hair and the bluest eyes I ever saw. He was kind, soft-spoken and I couldn't get enough of him. His name was Philip and he was my Uncle's lover. My family was living in Pascagoula at the time and we very rarely heard from our extended family as they all lived in Kentucky and Indiana. One magical summer while I was waiting for Third grade to start; we received a visit from my step-dad's little brother, Ricky.
At this age I really didn't know what gay meant. I met Ricky who looked like my dad far too much for my comfort save he had a permanent that reminded me of a poodle. I didn't care for him much. The man with him, Philip, was introduced to me as his "friend". Since they didn't hold hands, kiss or show any PDA's that would clue me in I took this at face value. All I knew was, Philip was beautiful. If memory serves me correct, he was under six feet in height and of medium build. He had dark brown hair with a trim beard and was balding a little. Being summer on the Gulf Coast, he wore muscle shirts and cargo shorts and was hairy all over. I remember a tuft of chest hair that poked out of his neckline that fascinated me.
I admit I was a slut for that poor man. I would hug Philip at every opportunity. I would bury myself in his chest and rub my cheeks against his chest hair and beard. I would sit in his lap a wiggle my little butt like crazy. I wanted this man bad even if I couldn't exactly figure out what I wanted. I guess I am lucky he wasn't a pederast because seven-year old me would have gladly kicked his heels to Jesus for Philip and his blue, blue eyes. I couldn't get enough of him- I even loved his smell.
I have no idea what he thought of having an overly amorous child all over him but he handled it with quiet grace. When my uncle offered to take me with him to Louisville to meet the rest of the family I agreed readily. Not, of course, out of any desire for familial bonding; and certainly not to spend more time with my odious uncle. I wanted to be closer to Philip. I would have happily followed him anywhere and left my family behind.
About the trip I remember little after that. I recall waking up one morning with two of my cousins sharing a bed with me with no idea how they got there. I remember trying to play the trumpet and having Philip show me how to purse my lips. I remember loathing my uncle for feeding his cigarette butts to his dog- it made me nauseous. Now that I write about it I wonder if I was jealous of Ricky.
That's all really. I never saw Philip again when I got back. I asked about him years later but received unsatisfactory answers from my uncle who keeps swinging between being a cockhound and "finding Jeebus". Last time I spoke to him, Ricky was "Saved" and didn't want to tak about his sinful past. I still dislike the man but for different reasons these days.
Oh Philip, wherever you are, I miss you.
So today I was over at blogspot checking out A Breeder's Journal
. Whatever your politics about barebacking and sex outside of marriage, it is a fascinating read penned by an equally fascinating man. I highly recommend you try it out. At any rate, he was relating a time in his life when he first felt sexual shame and then asked his readers afterwards to share similar stories. This got me to thinking and I thought it deserved an examination on my own part- hence this post.
It is best to start at the beginning and move out from there. When I was four, going on five, years old my parents moved from Kentucky to Pascagoula, Mississippi. Back then in the mid-70's the tiny town was a piece of nothing attached to a shipyard where my parents got jobs. We moved to Eden Apartments and there made my first best friend, a boy my age named Robbie. Robbie was a pale ginger with long curly hair and sporting a bit of baby fat still.
We were inseparable. He was the first one to teach me about gay sex. He used to like to lick and suckle my penis and I would return the favor. It didn't do anything for me, but he seemed to like it so I rolled with it. I preferred kissing to be honest. We would play in the bushes or in his room. He said he first learned it from an older cousin who would take him behind a barn. It wasn't until years later that I connected what that meant. I have a habit of taking things at face value- it sometimes takes a bit for some things to really sink in.
As I got older I used to convince my various (male) playmates that we should suck each others dicks. I did this under the pretense of "practicing before we got with a girl when we were older". Obviously there was some flaws in that logic but I did have a lot of sex with four or five of my peers over a couple of years that way before I was ten. The kicker is that I absolutely believed what I was saying at the time. It never entered my head that I wouldn't end up with a girl and the name "gay" or "homosexual" or even "fag" had never cropped up in my hearing so I still had no shame in what I was doing.
I remember the first time it hit me that I may be different. I was watching "Solid Gold" on the TV and there was a whole troop of black and white guys dancing in tandem shirtless wearing tight, sparkly gold pants. I remember being so incredibly excited and focused that I didn't even notice the girls on stage. It then hit me that this was not "normal". I didn't think of it as shameful necessarily but I did realize that I was different from my peers. I then mentally shrugged and kind of forgot about it.
The shame didn't occur until later that same year (I was I think eight at the time), when my family was watching "Victor, Victoria" on the TV. Back then my step-dad would sit in his chair while my sister and mother would share the couch. I would stretch out under the coffee table and watch with my head propped up in my hands. As the movie was nearing its end and I was enthralled and delighted, my step-dad started to bitch about how he felt that the actor playing "Toddy" (Robert Preston), was enjoying playing his part "too much".
You could hear the revulsion in his voice. I stilled from my safe place under the coffee table (my step-dad was a source of misery and terror growing up). He then started to relate an amusing (to him), anecdote from his navy days. While on leave in San Francisco the cocky young sailor entered a bar and had a drink or two. While there a guy bought him a drink and he accepted. Afterwards the guy then hit on him. Flipping out, the sailor chased the guy to his car, jumped on top of it and threw the beer bottle at the poor guy's windshield busting it. This entire account was told with smiles and glee.
I remember being this tiny kid with dorky glasses under the table being shocked. I immediately knew that I was the gay guy. I mean, I empathized with the guy who was the victim here not my exulting he-man step-dad. I felt fear and shame, remembering my attraction to the guys on "Solid Gold" and what would my father say to that? Would he hit me? Kill me? The rest of the movie, and the evening, was spoiled as I felt very alone and scared. That was my big homo realization although it would be years before I ever came to terms with it.
So I was exchanging Valentine greetings with my mother yesterday and in the course of the conversation recounted the gifts I had received*. She exclaimed, "Looks like you're well loved!" That caused me to pause slightly but we concluded the conversation and I dismissed it from my thoughts. Last night while getting ready for bed I started to ponder it again. Presumably the presents represent affection. As they mostly came from people close to me I assume they are somewhat genuine, yet like Christmas there is a feeling of obligation attached.
There is this feeling that they thought "Oh, its ST. V's, better get my peeps something." Not to get all Holden Caufield here but I do wonder at times if it is better to receive something genuine rather than as a result of some desire to follow certain holiday norms. Personally, I love the holiday but that's because I actively enjoy giving gifts. I grew up fairly poor and the ability to give awesome gifts makes me feel pretty good about myself. The receiver's delight is an added bonus.
Hmm, I guess that's potentially as problematic as the person who is just going through the motions, huh? Oh well.
* For those who are curious, I received a bottle of Aqua di Gio, a stuffed snow leopard and a Reeses peanut butter heart from my BFF, a standard heart box of candy from my Str8 roomies and twenty bucks from my boss (he couldn't be bothered to get me something and just handed over cash).